Currently, I've been an incel for over 20 years and the one brutal lesson i learnt after looking at my life and the kids i was and what i became i understand now that Rejections do damage you just im not talking about the small emotional damage or anything physical like that I'm talking straight up enough social rejection and denial and hate will cause you to literally go more neurodivergent and start developing seriously mental issues that are hard stuck into your brain.
To describe myself, during my earlier years lets say at 13 when i was grade 7, i was 5ft 1(late bloomer so i was giga short), VERY fat, weirdly proportioned and ugly), i was also notably ND to begin with and i was giga shit at any physical activity cause i basically inherited no physical talent from my parents in any manner(this has persisted unfortunately), through nursery, early school years, middle school, high school and even during some moments in college(although not so much since my college had condition that didn't allow it) i have been beaten, harassed, put into fights in that at one point during a fight my hand had been injured so badly you could literally see the bone of two of my finger joints front the flesh on top having been torn and scrapped away, ostracized by both men and women for no reason(to the point where i even found out towards my entering of college that all my "old class mates" had a friends group in which they all talked and planned things to do together and spent time together without me and literally ONLY excluded me and like the 2 or 3 people who i had as friends throughout my entire school life because they were similarly social outcasts like me albeit more gifted in many cases except for a few, i even learnt that one of the girls who my old friend currently goes to the same Uni with upon simply hearing my name displayed disgust and then said that i was a really weird guy and had a really creepy smile and that i hung out with another one of my friends who she described similar(since he was kind of like me) and that was the only reason she hated me throughout all those 9 years of school together, keep in mind, i never at all interacted with any female in any large or notable form throughout my school life, i didn't even look at her, rarely ever spoke to any of them and kept my distance because i was aware deep down of how disgusted they were of me but i never new the extent was to the point that i missed out on a whole other side of all these "classmates" who had been enjoying and having fun together going here and there and talking in a class group they made behind my back in which they added and included almost every single person in my class except for me cause basically none of them liked me at all and i only found this out right after i graduated.
but getting back to the main point this was just a small portion of the typa shit i had to endure and this was ONLY my school life and not even fully disclosed but throughout it all i saw my actually mental sanity and stability decline, in the beginning before school and all this shit, i was a calm and collected, nice kid who was open and had fun even though i was ND, over these years and the shit that happened to me some of which i genuinely cannot forget to this day, i became extremely erratic, i became extremely sheltered off from everyone around me, i cant even walk in public without thinking everyone is looking at me and saying shit about me to the point where i will literally have hallucinations and auditory hallucinations now where its literally just my own brain torturing me to the point where i cant even sleep anymore at night, and all of this got more and more worse the more and more social rejection and decline i endured at the hands of these people that were either my family, classmates, or any other person who held any sorta semblance or role of importance in my life who because of my subhuman looks, my ND brain made me a subject of mockery and lack of importance, i even feel this in my own family at times where i will see the disappointment in their eyes whenever they see me and compare to my sister or to their own lives when they were young even though it is the fault of these very bastards that i am alive when i shouldn't have been born.
ill describe briefly the stages in which my sanity and mental state got worse and worse and what the breaking point sorta was,
first during my early school years, i became very enclosed and sheltered and would fake my persona for everyone jestering and belittling myself for their approval although i barely received any and only in the forms of mockery and inclusion out of either pity or lack of choice due to some event forcing it, later on through middle school i became more conscious of my lack of abilities more as my grades began to decline despite me putting the effort in and i remained shitty at sports, and the further fighting and humiliation had made me more hostile to the point that moments would go by where i would actively have to restrain myself from the sheer anger i would feel, but i kept it all bottled up i took every ounce of abuse and everything and kept up with it due to the blue pilled cope my parents had fed me,
but as my views became more redpilled then towards my 9th and 8th grade i tried to force myself into the social groups but this only made them dislike and hate me more, so i kept to myself even more, my sleep became shittier because i would have so much anger that i would literally get flashes of memories before i would sleep which would make it to the point now that i would go to sleep angry and wake up angry and even at one point although i do find this funny i was even angry in my own dream at one point,
this got much more worse as the breaking point came during the final day of school life when we were having our sort of farewell being held at school i came dressed and while i was meeting everyone then one of the people i noticed there was one of my old classmates who i sorta had a oneitis kind of crush at the time so i though why don't i try saying hi to here since i was meeting everyone there and these were all people i had studied for years with, i go up to her group I'm meeting the guys there and then make it so it seem i randomly came across her and said "Hi", but she replied back to me in a way which was very different from how she spoke to everyone else there, her voice was filled with a distance and disgust i could sense from the back similar to how everyone else who didn't like me throughout school(mainly the girls) have ever spoken to me as if disregarding me like some really annoying glitch or side characters that is an eyesore, this kinda set me in a state of emotional turmoil for the remainder of the day, even though i had always been able to take shit from everyone this felt different, this felt way too personal to me, i sat down and as everyone was being called on stage to be awarded for the good grades or distinctions they had gotten i felt even worse, i saw the people who had ridiculed me, who lived better than me, had better friends than me, many of whom who had never pushed themselves to life as hard as i had tried be called up to the stage to receive medals and have claps and everyone happy for them and i knew that i had no award waiting for me up there, cause the sheer turmoil they had put me through had made it so my grades sharply fell during my high school years, i was a very bright kid up till the end of middle school getting nearly full marks in shit and all that it was the one gift i had my academic capabilities and now because of these bastards who had everything in life practically handed to them with minimal hardship for what they had put me through i had lost the one gift i had and couldn't even get a simple good grade even though i would literally spent hours in school and tuition studying, they were getting the rewards while i had barely passed with an OK result over which i was ridiculed even in my house, i literally held back tears as i was sitting and clapping for over 150 kids passing by till me turn came, i went up there they took a simply graduation picture no awards no nothing and let me off, my friend noticed i was VERY weirdly off that day and he had never seen me like that before, he asked and i just pointed to how my "crush" at the time had said hi to me and left it at that for him, later everyone gathered and went to the mall straight from school to enjoy their last day together, i followed them all there thinking that at least now i have some place with them even when i never did, we were there we did a bit of bowling each in our little groups, me with my friends, than i decided to go get something to eat, i head towards the cafeteria and i saw my "crush" holding another guy form my batch's hands and running around with him laughing as they went, i didn't even get anything to eat and just walked back, i left earlier than everyone else cause my dad called me and went home, i went straight to my room and layed down and i was laying down i looked at shelf at my cupboard and for some fucking reason a gift she had bought be back in 3rd grade when every kid would invite everyone to their birthdays cause parents would make them, i saw the book she had got me there, a book about fucking minecraft, i looked at that and then i literally had my entire life up to that point flash before my eyes, ive never had anything remotely similar to this ever happen to me till that day, and i saw how shittily my life had gone in school(with all the bullying and abuse) at home (with the lack of my father due to him being busy since my family had financial problems and legal issues at the time so he wasn't there for me and everyone else in the house being completely ignorant to me and my condition and only stuck up in their own fucking matters), i then looked upon the lives of every single other person that was with me throughout my time and how much better it was for them despite the lack of effort or any strive towards anything in theirs, and then all these thoughts about my life, my school, my family and my dad all i could think was that all this time was gone, all the "best years of my life" that i was told by my parents had all gone to shit, i couldn't grow up with a good parental experience and all that of neglected and left to shit, all my younger formative years i spent being pushed around by everyone all my life and all the remaining filling moments in-between being spent in hate of my self and others and that i was never enough through it all and the fact that all these years were now gone and would NEVER EVER come back i just said "It's all gone" over and over again and cried for like over an hour straight before falling asleep from how tired i got from crying and ever since then my mental has not been the same,
i get flashes and visions of memories like this whenever some shit happens to me now completely out of my control, i hear voices in my head torturing me constantly due to all of this and at moments ill even get visual hallucination to further make my experience in life even more hell than it is, and all i learnt from all this up till now is no one ever gave a real fuck about me, and no one ever cared about me and all these problem i got because of this lack of care and rejection over and over again and now the only lesson i learn is all the problems and mental handicaps you gain as a sub 5 man are never noticed by anyone else or cared for and i was demonized even further because of them,
if i could change some parts of my life it would be to minimize my exposure to everything and everyone, if you cant have anything good, minimize the bad, the less rejections you get, the less you try the less hurt you get mentally, cause while physical injuries heal and at worse just physical scars that LOOK bad, mental injuries usually don't ever heal the same and leave you fucked for life, if you cant get anything good out of life, try your best not to get anything bad from it and as a wise man one said "it never began buddy boyo".
To describe myself, during my earlier years lets say at 13 when i was grade 7, i was 5ft 1(late bloomer so i was giga short), VERY fat, weirdly proportioned and ugly), i was also notably ND to begin with and i was giga shit at any physical activity cause i basically inherited no physical talent from my parents in any manner(this has persisted unfortunately), through nursery, early school years, middle school, high school and even during some moments in college(although not so much since my college had condition that didn't allow it) i have been beaten, harassed, put into fights in that at one point during a fight my hand had been injured so badly you could literally see the bone of two of my finger joints front the flesh on top having been torn and scrapped away, ostracized by both men and women for no reason(to the point where i even found out towards my entering of college that all my "old class mates" had a friends group in which they all talked and planned things to do together and spent time together without me and literally ONLY excluded me and like the 2 or 3 people who i had as friends throughout my entire school life because they were similarly social outcasts like me albeit more gifted in many cases except for a few, i even learnt that one of the girls who my old friend currently goes to the same Uni with upon simply hearing my name displayed disgust and then said that i was a really weird guy and had a really creepy smile and that i hung out with another one of my friends who she described similar(since he was kind of like me) and that was the only reason she hated me throughout all those 9 years of school together, keep in mind, i never at all interacted with any female in any large or notable form throughout my school life, i didn't even look at her, rarely ever spoke to any of them and kept my distance because i was aware deep down of how disgusted they were of me but i never new the extent was to the point that i missed out on a whole other side of all these "classmates" who had been enjoying and having fun together going here and there and talking in a class group they made behind my back in which they added and included almost every single person in my class except for me cause basically none of them liked me at all and i only found this out right after i graduated.
but getting back to the main point this was just a small portion of the typa shit i had to endure and this was ONLY my school life and not even fully disclosed but throughout it all i saw my actually mental sanity and stability decline, in the beginning before school and all this shit, i was a calm and collected, nice kid who was open and had fun even though i was ND, over these years and the shit that happened to me some of which i genuinely cannot forget to this day, i became extremely erratic, i became extremely sheltered off from everyone around me, i cant even walk in public without thinking everyone is looking at me and saying shit about me to the point where i will literally have hallucinations and auditory hallucinations now where its literally just my own brain torturing me to the point where i cant even sleep anymore at night, and all of this got more and more worse the more and more social rejection and decline i endured at the hands of these people that were either my family, classmates, or any other person who held any sorta semblance or role of importance in my life who because of my subhuman looks, my ND brain made me a subject of mockery and lack of importance, i even feel this in my own family at times where i will see the disappointment in their eyes whenever they see me and compare to my sister or to their own lives when they were young even though it is the fault of these very bastards that i am alive when i shouldn't have been born.
ill describe briefly the stages in which my sanity and mental state got worse and worse and what the breaking point sorta was,
first during my early school years, i became very enclosed and sheltered and would fake my persona for everyone jestering and belittling myself for their approval although i barely received any and only in the forms of mockery and inclusion out of either pity or lack of choice due to some event forcing it, later on through middle school i became more conscious of my lack of abilities more as my grades began to decline despite me putting the effort in and i remained shitty at sports, and the further fighting and humiliation had made me more hostile to the point that moments would go by where i would actively have to restrain myself from the sheer anger i would feel, but i kept it all bottled up i took every ounce of abuse and everything and kept up with it due to the blue pilled cope my parents had fed me,
but as my views became more redpilled then towards my 9th and 8th grade i tried to force myself into the social groups but this only made them dislike and hate me more, so i kept to myself even more, my sleep became shittier because i would have so much anger that i would literally get flashes of memories before i would sleep which would make it to the point now that i would go to sleep angry and wake up angry and even at one point although i do find this funny i was even angry in my own dream at one point,
this got much more worse as the breaking point came during the final day of school life when we were having our sort of farewell being held at school i came dressed and while i was meeting everyone then one of the people i noticed there was one of my old classmates who i sorta had a oneitis kind of crush at the time so i though why don't i try saying hi to here since i was meeting everyone there and these were all people i had studied for years with, i go up to her group I'm meeting the guys there and then make it so it seem i randomly came across her and said "Hi", but she replied back to me in a way which was very different from how she spoke to everyone else there, her voice was filled with a distance and disgust i could sense from the back similar to how everyone else who didn't like me throughout school(mainly the girls) have ever spoken to me as if disregarding me like some really annoying glitch or side characters that is an eyesore, this kinda set me in a state of emotional turmoil for the remainder of the day, even though i had always been able to take shit from everyone this felt different, this felt way too personal to me, i sat down and as everyone was being called on stage to be awarded for the good grades or distinctions they had gotten i felt even worse, i saw the people who had ridiculed me, who lived better than me, had better friends than me, many of whom who had never pushed themselves to life as hard as i had tried be called up to the stage to receive medals and have claps and everyone happy for them and i knew that i had no award waiting for me up there, cause the sheer turmoil they had put me through had made it so my grades sharply fell during my high school years, i was a very bright kid up till the end of middle school getting nearly full marks in shit and all that it was the one gift i had my academic capabilities and now because of these bastards who had everything in life practically handed to them with minimal hardship for what they had put me through i had lost the one gift i had and couldn't even get a simple good grade even though i would literally spent hours in school and tuition studying, they were getting the rewards while i had barely passed with an OK result over which i was ridiculed even in my house, i literally held back tears as i was sitting and clapping for over 150 kids passing by till me turn came, i went up there they took a simply graduation picture no awards no nothing and let me off, my friend noticed i was VERY weirdly off that day and he had never seen me like that before, he asked and i just pointed to how my "crush" at the time had said hi to me and left it at that for him, later everyone gathered and went to the mall straight from school to enjoy their last day together, i followed them all there thinking that at least now i have some place with them even when i never did, we were there we did a bit of bowling each in our little groups, me with my friends, than i decided to go get something to eat, i head towards the cafeteria and i saw my "crush" holding another guy form my batch's hands and running around with him laughing as they went, i didn't even get anything to eat and just walked back, i left earlier than everyone else cause my dad called me and went home, i went straight to my room and layed down and i was laying down i looked at shelf at my cupboard and for some fucking reason a gift she had bought be back in 3rd grade when every kid would invite everyone to their birthdays cause parents would make them, i saw the book she had got me there, a book about fucking minecraft, i looked at that and then i literally had my entire life up to that point flash before my eyes, ive never had anything remotely similar to this ever happen to me till that day, and i saw how shittily my life had gone in school(with all the bullying and abuse) at home (with the lack of my father due to him being busy since my family had financial problems and legal issues at the time so he wasn't there for me and everyone else in the house being completely ignorant to me and my condition and only stuck up in their own fucking matters), i then looked upon the lives of every single other person that was with me throughout my time and how much better it was for them despite the lack of effort or any strive towards anything in theirs, and then all these thoughts about my life, my school, my family and my dad all i could think was that all this time was gone, all the "best years of my life" that i was told by my parents had all gone to shit, i couldn't grow up with a good parental experience and all that of neglected and left to shit, all my younger formative years i spent being pushed around by everyone all my life and all the remaining filling moments in-between being spent in hate of my self and others and that i was never enough through it all and the fact that all these years were now gone and would NEVER EVER come back i just said "It's all gone" over and over again and cried for like over an hour straight before falling asleep from how tired i got from crying and ever since then my mental has not been the same,
i get flashes and visions of memories like this whenever some shit happens to me now completely out of my control, i hear voices in my head torturing me constantly due to all of this and at moments ill even get visual hallucination to further make my experience in life even more hell than it is, and all i learnt from all this up till now is no one ever gave a real fuck about me, and no one ever cared about me and all these problem i got because of this lack of care and rejection over and over again and now the only lesson i learn is all the problems and mental handicaps you gain as a sub 5 man are never noticed by anyone else or cared for and i was demonized even further because of them,
if i could change some parts of my life it would be to minimize my exposure to everything and everyone, if you cant have anything good, minimize the bad, the less rejections you get, the less you try the less hurt you get mentally, cause while physical injuries heal and at worse just physical scars that LOOK bad, mental injuries usually don't ever heal the same and leave you fucked for life, if you cant get anything good out of life, try your best not to get anything bad from it and as a wise man one said "it never began buddy boyo".
